‘A calling’ while grieving
What a week it’s been! All the change, all the feels, and not much sleep between 9/8 - 9/15.
Heck Yes, Y’all LLC (previously SassyGreenLady LLC) turned three years old!
Can you even believe that? For so long I had this gut feeling:
What if I used my love of The Golden Girls and my creativity to do something awesome? What if I opened an Etsy shop?!
But I’d always talk myself out of it:
Be realistic. That’s just a ridiculous pipe dream.
No one will buy that shit.
You don’t even know how to silkscreen.
Only the people who were deemed “good” designers in Graduate school could do something like this. You’re not talented enough.
Apply to work at a design firm or studio. That’s what real designers do.
…and yet despite the self-doubt, something kept calling me.
The thing about ‘a calling’ is that no matter where you go or how hard you try to ignore it, it always finds you.
It doesn’t matter what’s calling you: a job opportunity, a relationship (or an end to a relationship), (I imagine) a gender identity or any big investment (monetary or emotional) that makes you more excited than anxious.
That calling may not be the loudest thought in your head but it’s steady, firm, and unrelenting.
Even if you manage to push it away for a while, it will always resurface.
I decided, Well, I guess I ought to give this thing a shot. I have no clue what I’m doing, how it will go or whether or not I’ll be right back where I started 6 months from now. I made some first round tees, got myself an Etsy shop and a website, and pressed PUBLISH.
I am forever grateful that I did not let fear take over on September 14, 2017.
About 2 week after I launched I became pregnant with my second baby. My depression immediately plummeted and I knew something was wrong.
I dove head first into treatment and was able to assess that I’d been living with PMADs (perinatal mood and anxiety disorders) since 2015 when I had my first baby.
After about a year of motherhood in 2016, I just figured I’d been sucked into the vortex, losing the real me and that I’d basically traded in my happiness with myself for the gift of motherhood. So many new moms around me were gleefully happy and I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t.
I loved my son more than life itself, but something was missing.
I was missing.
Last week was a cluster*ck of emotions.
My oldest son started Kindergarten, which is a huge milestone for him and for me. As we pulled up to the drop off area and he got out of the car I definitely expected him to hesitate and cling to my leg, making a scene and us drive away with me in tears. That’s how it went with daycare many, many heartbreaking times.
…but he didn’t.
He did just what many would do in a new surrounding: look around and take it all in, try to make sense of it and gingerly immerse himself into the environment.
Since I got help for PMADs I’ve been the best mom I could because ultimately, he got the best mom that helped prepare him for this step in his life.
Today is his 5th birthday. I am celebrating the birth of my son and the birth of my company while simultaneously grieving the loss of those first two years of my son’s life. I grieve because I don’t remember some of it. Some I remember all too well.
Last week was September 11th and nineteen years later, I still grieve. I talked with a handful of people about grief last week in light of the anniversary.
Grief is a weird thing. It doesn’t care if you’re ready for it or not, and it sure as sh*t doesn’t care what’s going on in your life at any given moment. When that wave comes in the only thing you can do is ride it or try to ignore it as it collapses on you.
It may take me a minute to process the duality of feelings I’ve had in the past 7 days. Despite the absolute dumpster fire that has been 2020, I am lucky and grateful to be where I am, feeling what I’m feeling.
I’m glad I acknowledged and followed the calling I was having. I’m grateful that I chose to override the fear and doubt I felt and took a leap, unsure of how everything would pan out. Although I plan to give this business my blood, sweat and tears, even if it doesn’t work out it won’t be in vain.
Something will come of it, even if it’s not what I expect. Something always does.
This is why when someone asks me, “Where do you want to be in 3, 5, or 10 years?” my answer always revolves around a qualities of an ideal job, not a specific title.
Callings happen all the time in all areas of life. Callings are not one and done.
When you feel a calling pulling you toward something, it's your duty to yourself to answer.
With warmth and gusto,