Let People In
I edited this after I posted it because I realized there was more I wanted to say, especially with regard to how *I* process vulnerability. The fact that I omitted that information the first time around is not lost on me.🤦‍♀️
Last week while I was catching up with Courtney at El Cantinero, and ended up talking about mental health. We came to the conclusion that pretty much every person ever would benefit from therapy. Not only would it benefit individuals, but it would also benefit every relationship in that individual’s life: parents, siblings, spouse, friends, crossing guard, etc.
And of course, if everyone went to therapy and all those relationships were positively impacted, it would legit affect everyone. It’s s domino effect, y’all. This may sound like a heavy conversation, but Courtney and I are able to talk about heavy topics and still look like this whilst doing it:
I was looking around the restaurant at all the different people interacting and was thinking, What the hell are we even doing? Every last one of us - what the HELL are we doing?
“Courtney, look at us all!” I said, motioning to all the people. “What are we even doing?! What is THIS??” There were two people on a date behind her, a group of dude friends diagonally from us and a mixed group of friends next to us. Some people on their phones, some were making loud but terrible jokes, some (like the dude bro behind Courtney) was making large sweeping statements that he clearly thought would make him look knowledgeable and/or “cool.” Spoiler alert: That “tactic” will always has to opposite effect. Always.
Oddly, people think I’m the best version of me (i.e. THE COOLEST!) when I’m genuinely the most goonish me there will ever be.
Take it all in, folks!
The older I get the more clear it is that we are all a bunch of lollygagging goons, romping around with no effing clue what the hell we’re doing or how to do it but we’re still trying to do this whole human thing anyway.
Really and truly, we’re all just trying to connect with one another the best way we can with the knowledge, skills and self-awareness we have (even if that’s none at all.) And sometimes due to upbringing or past experiences, people are really bad at connecting.
Like, really really bad at it.
Extraordinarily bad at it.
Depending on the source that caused such an aversion to vulnerability, people will turn to everything from nervous jokes to drug abuse to avoid it. The spectrum is huge because, you know, people and life and whatever. Vulnerability is all that stands in the way of connecting with other people and yet, it seems like people often think it works the other way around; you wait until you feel confident that someone will stick around and not judge you, and build a connection with you before you actually let them in. Then, once an alleged connection is built and you feel comfortable, the guard comes down.
…that’s just not how it works.
For me, vulnerability comes from disappointment.
When I set expectations of those I care about and they don’t meet them, it sucks. And when I say “don’t meet them” I mean things like they don’t support me in something that’s scary that I’m taking on, they don’t show up for something important or they don’t make spending time with me (however little it is!) a priority. Someone not meeting my expectations means that I thought they valued me in a particular way, usually in the way I value them, and it turns out that I was wrong. This disappointment hits me very hard which causes me to pull back hard.
Really, really hard. Often people don’t see it or notice because I do it quietly, but it happens because I feel extremely vulnerable and quite honestly stupid for having expected otherwise. It feels like I’m standing out there, alone, in an imaginary universe of my brain where our alleged close relationship exists.
How I feel about vulnerability: A visual aid
HOWEVER, I know that vulnerability is crucial if we want to connect with others but most importantly, if we want to better understand ourselves.
The more I let people in with how something is affecting me, the more long-term confidence I gain from that vulnerability.
If you find yourself in a situation where someone is making you feel a certain way and you want to move through it and connect with that person, here’s a baby step you can take to embrace vulnerability and/or let someone in:
Identify the feeling and tell them what it is. Tell them the story you're telling yourself when they make you feel a certain way.
::Boom::
I’m not trying to sound like a d-bag and this is not meant to be heard with snark. It’s a legit thing that sometimes doesn’t occur to us to do and instead, we just stay in conflict over the symptom and not the actual issue. For example, if there is someone in your life who is always late when you spend time together the lateness is super annoying, but the bigger issue is likely that you feel like this person doesn’t value you or your time. THAT’S the issue.
Even if you can’t describe why you’re feeling a certain way or you need a minute (or hour! Or a day!) to pinpoint it, say that!
For the love of all that is holy, just say “I’m feeling ________ as a result of what just happened.” If you can’t assess WHY, tell the other person you need time to better understand why, and then continue the conversation when you’re ready and you’ve marinated in it long enough to understand.
Any communication that will result in more clarity is better that sweeping it under the rug and having the same conflict repeatedly.
I will attempt to take my own advice this month, but I recognize that this is very challenging.
And if you’re not ready to take this baby step, at the very least join in on the Instagram Challenge for February: #blanchesohard. Head to HYY’s Instagram page and check out the saved “Funsies” stories.
With warmth and gusto,